Okay, I'm starting to freak out a little bit now. After all, tomorrow might be the day I'm told I have cancer. Maybe not, but if so, that's a pretty big thing. Wouldn't you agree?

On July 27, just two days ago, I went for my biopsy. I should have the results tomorrow, or Monday. Who can wait all weekend?! I think I'll go crazy if I don't find out tomorrow. My counselor said to use my blog, or my journal, as a way to get out my feelings. That I shouldn't keep them bottled up inside. Well, my feelings right now are scared and FREAKED OUT! (Is that a feeling?)

I want to cry, but I want to trust that everything will be alright, no matter what happens. I want to be able to handle whatever comes my way with grace. But let's be realistic, I've never been the most positive person. I always felt that when I got excited about something, I ended up disappointed. So I stopped getting excited. I equate that with being positive... I'm not, so much. I want people to say, "She's handling it reallly well; she has such a positive outlook." I think it's important to think positively... maybe I'll need a crash course.

Ugh! The waiting, waiting, waiting is so difficult! Can someone please make the hands on the clock speed up. If I'm not wishing time away (I wish it was Saturday; I can't wait for vacation) I want to speed it up so I don't have to wait for one thing or another. Time goes so quickly when you're enjoying yourself, and so slowly when you're not. It's al perception, right? Like waiting for vacation... time drags. Your trip home always seems to take longer than your trip to wherever you're vacationing, because you don't want to go home.

And how will I tell people... tell them without crying. Will people pity me? Feel sorry for me? Would I mind? I don't even know.

But, Jim is here beside me, I'm sure just as anxious to know the test results as I am. We'll get through this together, right? He's such a good everything... husband, father. But me, I'm a crappy wife. I wouldn't want to be married to me. Don't they say you should be like the person you want to attract, or something like that? I'm not that person. But maybe it's not too late to start being that person...

Thyroid nodule

I've got a nodule on my mind - well, actually on my thyroid; the left side, to be more precise. So what do I do about it?

After seeing my family doctor - a bit whacky, but a good doctor - I went for an ultrasound. They took me about 40 minutes past my appointed time (and that's after they asked that I get there 15 minutes early, which I did). I really hate waiting like that.

A young girl did the ultrasound, asking that I stretch out my neck with my head back. This is not a good move for me, since I've had a cervical disc removed and the bones fused together, and it was quite sore the next day. But, you do what you have to do; I want them to be able to see what they need to see. Then another woman came in and took more images. Was the first one still learning? I dunno.

Off to the endocrinologist. First, talk with the resident. Then talk with the doctor. I really liked this doctor. He shook my hand and introduced himself (no, they don't all do that), and he looked me in the eye. He asked if I had any questions (I had already asked a half dozen) and then we came up with our game plan. He did mention that this was a rather large nodule (3.7 cm) and when they're large they're more likely to be cancerous. Great.

First we do the FNA (fine needle aspiration), AKA biopsy. This can come back with 1 of 3 results.

1. positive for cancer

2. negative for cancer

3. cannot tell one way or the other

If it's positive for cancer, he would recommend removal of the entire thyroid.

If it's negative for cancer, he would recommend either a. have another ultrasound in 6-8 weeks to see if it's growing or b. remove the nodule and that half of my thyroid, put the nodule under the microscope and make sure there's no cancer.

If they're unable to tell if it's cancerous or not, he would recommend removing the nodule and that half of my thyroid, check it under the microscope. If it turns out the be cancerous, they'd have to operate again and remove the rest of the thyroid.

I think I've got that straight. He said it's likely that I'll need surgery, but we have to start with the biopsy. And if my first surgery is removing the nodule and half the thyroid, a subsequent surgery may be necessary to remove the rest of the thyroid.

I asked if I would need thyroid medication if half of my thyroid was removed. He said in some people the half thyroid works just fine, and in others it does not. We'd have to wait and see how my body reacts.

My FNA isn't scheduled until July 27. I want it to be tomorrow!

Some scary items I found online:

Patients over 40 have a more aggresive disease... and

The prognosis is better for patients under 40. Age appears to be the single most important prognosis factor. Adverse factors include age over 45, primary tumor >4 cm....

Great, I'm over 45, and my tumor is - or rather, WAS on 6/24 - 3.7 cm. That nodule's been there a while I guess. How is a person to know??

I'm stuck in WAIT mode. At least I've got a lot of books to read if I'm laid up for a while.

Do you Kindle?

I know, I know, I'm not supposed to love "things", only "people", but I really love my Kindle. I thought by now I'd have read more books. I got my Kindle for Christmas, and so far, I've finished nine books. (I write the titles of the books I've finished on an index card and keep it with my Kindle.) Four fiction and five non-fiction. Hmm, I usually read much more fiction. I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and The Help. I liked them both; maybe The Help a little more. I hated for the book to end (yes, I know I shouldn't "hate" anything or anyone, either). Among the non-fiction books I read were four Catholic books. I'm happy about that. Sometimes I don't pay enough attention to what's important to me.

I must have a the-grass-is-always-greener syndrome when it comes to reading books. Once I start one, I'm looking for the next one to read before I've even finished it. Using a Kindle hasn't changed that. Right now I have a whopping 27 books started on my Kindle, and 17 waiting in the wings. I keep telling myself that I'll finish books (maybe 4?) before I buy any new ones. But I can't help myself... even with a wish list to help me out.

If I read - and follow the advise of what I read - the next time I write I'll have a clutter-free and organized home, and I'll be thin and fit. Unlikely on both counts... but then, I shouldn't be negative.